Our University education and our moral upbringing had made us all judges in a court nobody needed and we were thus presiding over a case that was never intended to be bought to book. We sat on the high table, gown on, wig steadily positioned and gavel in hand ready to pass judgement. We were the prosecutor, the jury and the judge. We had our victim, but we failed to assign her a counsel.
At this point none of what I’m saying makes a word of sense I’m sure.
I find it funny that the most ‘morally upright’ people are often the biggest sinners. I find it disturbing that the most highly schooled people are also among the most uneducated. I find it sad then that the most judgemental of us are the ones most fearful of being judged.
We had been close at one point. Like sisters; you couldn’t tell that we weren’t blood related. We shared secrets between us, gossiped about others and laughed uncontrollably for hours about the most mundane of occurrences. Then one day all that changed. I bought a high horse and sat on it. I decided that I was no longer of her ‘level’ and needed to remove myself from the circle of friends she operated in. I didn’t for one second consider that my duty as a friend would be to teach her while also trying to learn from her. Love her while also trying to show her how to love. Encourage her while also allowing myself to be encouraged by her achievements. And finally to humble myself and be accepting of her life choices even though they may not tally with mine.
Yet, as I said, I bought a high horse and perched chin up and arms folded onto it. In all my efforts to justify my position on said horse I made jibes at her clothes, her hair, make up, choice of words and choice of suitors. “what’s wrong with her?” I would say “doesn’t she know she’s doing it all wrong?!”.
I was convinced I knew better, lived better, and thus was better than her by virtue of my sound and rational reasoning. Then yesterday it hit me. She could tick off more boxes of achievement in life than I could. Yes I graduated the school of education, but I hadn’t even enrolled in the school of life, the school of marriage, the school of motherhood. But she has, all in one sitting. While I still regularly visit the enrolment website looking for the next opening for all these schools, she is a fully fledged student, learning everything first hand and could easily sit me down and teach me somethings if she wanted to. My degree and job title had gotten the better of my common sense. I was proud of all I had ‘achieved’. A university education, a job in a torrential economic environment. Well done to me(!)
Though her achievements were not on par with mine at the time they surpass mine now. She has all I am currently pursuing and is on the road to getting to where I already am. Sobering moment. Maybe I got it all wrong? She did things backwards but still ended up in the same place I am now; albeit less financially astute. Though I might add it doesn’t seem that’s a worry for her.
Maybe we got it all wrong? With our pointing fingers and our toxic tongues as we lashed this girl and her decisions which are so opposing to ours. Maybe the reason we’re all so ‘accomplished’ and ‘successful’ is the very reason we’re all so single. We’ve associated our ‘achievements’ and our ‘success’ with an entitlement to the things we want and are thus highly critical and scornful of those who apparently aren’t, yet have all we long for. Another sobering moment.
It took me a while to accept this. And it might take you some time too. But I can accept now that my consistent brandishing of my Degree level education and job title will only go so far in perpetuating my present state. Because the reality is, while these things are valuable to me they are not what value me.
I get that now.